God Always Feeds A Hungry Soul And An Example of How Those At The Bottom Are Lifted Up Gently by God
It was about 2 1/2 months into Church going that I came across someone who would help me renounce my past. The past involved lots of problems with issues, lack of self love, low self esteem, anxiety and repetitive thoughts. From as early as I can remember I had felt this - it was an all my life thing... and when I got to my late teens things grew worse as I left the parental home for the most part and felt ill equiped to emotionally handle life.
From the outside I looked like I was doing well, I had a 2:1 hons degree in History and English, and the start of a good career, I listened to my friends, was sometimes a shoulder to cry on but in reality I was a mess, I struggled with anxiety, repetitive behaviours and the belief that I was unworthy of love and kindness - which manifested itself in the most unsatisfying and inappropriate flings and liaisons with men. It also meant that often I was scrabbling along the floor on my hands and knees, cutting my skin on sharp stones, unable to behave in a Christian like way - emotional survival opened the door to sin.
To top it all over the years I could not get my finances in order and always ended up spending more than my means, partly due to my anxious repetitive patterns and on a couple of ocassions at least things got very difficult for me.
Recovery only really began about year before I started going back to Church, after a bad day at work when I told God that I was prepared to lay myself in his hands and give up fighting with life at the time. That was the year I started to pray. As soon as I was back regularly visiting Church, I felt that I wanted to open up about my past in order for me to move forward in my relationship with God. I knew that the issues I had had made it difficult for me to discuss with just anyone and needed pastoral care from someone who would not be surprised, judgemental or (at the time I thought appalled) at my past. That was how little I thought of myself....
Whilst starting to attend St Aldates, I had started listening to some online sermons and heard one from one of the pastors there that made me feel that he was the right person. No one else would do! And so I told God "If I need to speak to anyone, I need to speak to this man because he can understand me". Time passed, maybe a week, two or three and the need became more. I wanted to sort this out! And so, I started to think about this again, and told God that if I was ever to bump into this guy, ideally it should be the Sunday of the week I was in.
I forgot about what I had asked and on that very Sunday went to Church. Whilst making my way in, my thoughts suddenly became really anxious and negative and I started to think I should turn away because I felt so unworthy of such lowly thoughts. It was such a powerful negative influence and I was so shocked at my thoughts because I couldn't understand where they had come from. Neverthless I was determined to go to Church and for the first half of service - it became more of an endurance than anything else, I really wanted to leave!!!!
I think it was the last real struggle of my conscience, my last potential rebellion, but truly I was wrecked with anxiety, until I heard a familar voice preaching... and I asked who that person was, and was told that the person delivering the sermon was none other than the person I had earmarked to God ( or maybe He had earmarked for me) and on the very Sunday I had asked him to appear. Suddenly in the darkness of my anxiety, a light came up, a glimmer really and a smile as God had brought some lightness into my soul and yet again reassured me that He had understood my needs and was bringing them to fruition.
At the end of the service, I introduced myself and the preacher was to become a helping hand in moving me to the start of a new phase of my life....
God has listened to my request and because I had asked for the right thing, He answered and provided my hungry and sad little soul with the help it needed to mend and be in a position to be a better and kinder person...
.
From the outside I looked like I was doing well, I had a 2:1 hons degree in History and English, and the start of a good career, I listened to my friends, was sometimes a shoulder to cry on but in reality I was a mess, I struggled with anxiety, repetitive behaviours and the belief that I was unworthy of love and kindness - which manifested itself in the most unsatisfying and inappropriate flings and liaisons with men. It also meant that often I was scrabbling along the floor on my hands and knees, cutting my skin on sharp stones, unable to behave in a Christian like way - emotional survival opened the door to sin.
To top it all over the years I could not get my finances in order and always ended up spending more than my means, partly due to my anxious repetitive patterns and on a couple of ocassions at least things got very difficult for me.
Recovery only really began about year before I started going back to Church, after a bad day at work when I told God that I was prepared to lay myself in his hands and give up fighting with life at the time. That was the year I started to pray. As soon as I was back regularly visiting Church, I felt that I wanted to open up about my past in order for me to move forward in my relationship with God. I knew that the issues I had had made it difficult for me to discuss with just anyone and needed pastoral care from someone who would not be surprised, judgemental or (at the time I thought appalled) at my past. That was how little I thought of myself....
Whilst starting to attend St Aldates, I had started listening to some online sermons and heard one from one of the pastors there that made me feel that he was the right person. No one else would do! And so I told God "If I need to speak to anyone, I need to speak to this man because he can understand me". Time passed, maybe a week, two or three and the need became more. I wanted to sort this out! And so, I started to think about this again, and told God that if I was ever to bump into this guy, ideally it should be the Sunday of the week I was in.
I forgot about what I had asked and on that very Sunday went to Church. Whilst making my way in, my thoughts suddenly became really anxious and negative and I started to think I should turn away because I felt so unworthy of such lowly thoughts. It was such a powerful negative influence and I was so shocked at my thoughts because I couldn't understand where they had come from. Neverthless I was determined to go to Church and for the first half of service - it became more of an endurance than anything else, I really wanted to leave!!!!
I think it was the last real struggle of my conscience, my last potential rebellion, but truly I was wrecked with anxiety, until I heard a familar voice preaching... and I asked who that person was, and was told that the person delivering the sermon was none other than the person I had earmarked to God ( or maybe He had earmarked for me) and on the very Sunday I had asked him to appear. Suddenly in the darkness of my anxiety, a light came up, a glimmer really and a smile as God had brought some lightness into my soul and yet again reassured me that He had understood my needs and was bringing them to fruition.
At the end of the service, I introduced myself and the preacher was to become a helping hand in moving me to the start of a new phase of my life....
God has listened to my request and because I had asked for the right thing, He answered and provided my hungry and sad little soul with the help it needed to mend and be in a position to be a better and kinder person...
.
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